Friday, September 02, 2011


Sometimes, the words just flow. Like tonight, a collection of thoughts and emotions resulted in the scribbling of this in four minutes. I chose not to edit it simply because, at this current moment, my heart is raw. I see no need to bake it tonight.

You gave me eyes when I couldn’t see
You gave me a heart in place of empty air

I have run
I have hidden
Used those eyes
On useless tears
Used that heart
On self-infliction
Filling it, filling it
With brokenness

Yet You found me
You always find me
Though I seek the dark, the damp
I conceal
All my lies, all the tears, all my wrongs
Within that heart

Or so I thought
But I’ve come to realize
Concealer's just a mask
I’ve come to realize
Your eyes
Your eyes...

They see me when I’ve hidden
They catch me in my lies
They know that tears have fallen
They know that I’m still
A sinner
Oh, I’m a sinner

Fallen so far away
I prayed for freedom
For forgiveness
I asked for love, for hope, for peace

I asked
I asked
But, I didn’t answer
Undeserving, yet ever begging
Like a child, I yearn with desires
Like a child, I ask, I don’t give

I said You had my heart
But, really I had Yours
My lie exposed for all to see
Now I’m free

I read with fire
I hear with joy
I cry with passion
But not mine
No, no longer mine

You gave me eyes when I couldn’t see
A heart when I couldn’t speak
You gave me lips though I wouldn’t praise
You gave Your life so that I might live

See, You gave everything
You gave everything
And I offered
Only prayers

Yet receiving
You have my heart
I have Your heart

May I be Your heart
May I give You Your heart mirrored
In me

My lie exposed for all to see
This lie exposed...
Now I’m free

Bursting open
I want to be a specimen of Your design
For us

Now I’m free
Oh, now I am free


{< Forgiven by Grace >}

Ink Spills by {{Beauty from Ashes}}

Monday, May 02, 2011


I used to think that good could outweigh bad. That no matter how much I sinned, if I did an equal number of good things, I would be even. So, if I yelled at my mom, but did the dishes without being asked the next day, the scale would stay the same. It’s not that I didn’t believe it when God said that it is our belief that takes us to heaven, not our works- it’s that I believed that the more good works one did, the more God would love that person.
I’ve never been able to make that scale equal, and you never will be able to either. I don’t think I can anymore. I know no one can. But, if I know that I can’t equalize that scale, why do I keep trying? So, if I know I can’t do that, what do I do?
Good and bad can never be equalized-especially in numbers. Either it’s good or bad-bad cannot equal good, and good cannot equal bad. It’s plain enough that this formula is unchangeable- so, I’m asking and wondering why we think that WE can re-arrange a cosmic chemistry formula? And, “Because we’re human...” does not count. That’s only part of the equation, but it’s something that we so often offer as an excuse as to why we think or do something- it’s an escape route from digging deep enough to actually discover the answer. In my last post, I said that if a person tells themselves something enough times, they start to believe it.
That fact is true in this case as well. But the truth is, or, at least I think it is, is that because we’re human, even as Christians, we maintain the stupid belief that we know better than God. This may not be a conscious thought, but it’s true. I know I often think that. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Our salvation is the result of belief, of faith in Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, and nothing else.
But we are commanded to grow in our faith-though it’s not the requirement for salvation- growing in our faith and trust of God includes studying the Scriptures, and in endeavouring to follow His commands. When we are truly following Christ, good works become the result of that, and even though we are still and always will be sinners, good works in this context results in the diminishing of our sinful acts.
Being “created in Christ Jesus” means that when we truly pursue Him, we won’t want to disappoint Him- we’ll be far more convicted of our sin, and the fact that it pains Him when we do sin against Him. God prepared beforehand the good works He wants each of us to do, individually and together, and walk in. He didn’t say “I have these good works that I want you to do, but if you mess up, you can do something good to balance it out.” He said “...created in Christ Jesus for good works...”
I know I’m running on about the same thing, but it’s because I am thinking about it as I write- because I don’t know the answers to all of my questions. Why do I think I know more than God in a situation? Why is my belief and faith in His forgiveness so weak? Why do I feel that I SHOULD be pained when I sin? Why when I ask for forgiveness for something do I not feel remorse? You can’t fake remorse to God-so, how do we become remorseful if we aren’t? Why do I think that God can’t or won’t answer these questions?
I’m a sinner, with a lack of faith and understanding. I am not fearful of the awe of God. We can’t put a patch on these questions. Like a bike tire, it eventually comes back to bite you.
Do you know the answers to these questions? Because I sure as heck don’t. What questions or thoughts do you have about this?

{< Forgiven by Grace >}

Ink Spills by {{Beauty from Ashes}}

Saturday, April 30, 2011


When I look at You. I see forgiveness, and I see grace. In my confusion and awe of Who You are, I feel comfort. I feel safe. I can’t see You. I can’t touch You. But I feel You. “It’s like the wind. I can’t see it. But I can feel it.”
I’m 18 years old, with a history and a past, like everyone else. With sins, and with failures. But this isn’t about that. I am not about that. I used to be about that, but looking back isn’t worth it. Not when you have Jesus, and heaven to look forward to. This is about forgiveness and grace, this is about how God can take ashes and make them into beauty. This is about God.
Who I am today is not who I was yesterday, it is not who I will be tomorrow, or a year from now. But, who God was yesterday is who He is today. It is who He will be forever. In a world that never stops changing, we find the one constant, the only thing impenetrable by time- the Lord our God. We can run, and we can hide, but His forgiveness, His grace, and His love don’t leave. They wait.
I’ve been reading “Crazy Love,” by Francis Chan. I started it so that I could use it for an essay assignment, and attempted to read through it in two sittings. I did so, one of the quickest readings of a book like that I’ve ever done. But it was enough, enough to convict me of being a luke-warm Christian. I have said so much about my relationship with God to others, in blogs, in essays...but it’s not true. When you tell yourself something so many times, you begin to think it’s true- and then you read something like Crazy Love. I will definitely be reading it again this week, but from a totally different perspective.
People usually only remember one or two things from a post or from a speech. So, remember this- God is a God of love, and although He doesn’t need OUR love, He WANTS it. Think about that. It’s a strong and powerful truth.
Someone is pursuing us, Someone who doesn’t give up. Why aren’t we responding the same?

{< Forgiven by Grace >}

Ink Spills by {{Beauty from Ashes}}